Below the Fold: Criminal Justice Edition (or “Dead Puppies Tell No Tales”)

  • Use An Arrow, Go to Jail: 2002 “Survivor” winner Brian Heidik was arrested for shooting a puppy he mistook for a coyote. But that’s not the weird part – no, the weird part is that Heidik shot the puppy with an arrow. That’s right, a freakin’ arrow. I’m sorry, but who the hell goes around shooting things with a bow and arrow? Heidik lives in Georgia, not Sherwood Forest. Was he wearing green tights too? I mean, don’t people use guns anymore?
  • Coke is It: Three people have been accused of stealing “trade secrets” from Coca-Cola and trying to sell them to Pepsi. Meanwhile, poor Mr. Pibb and Dr. Brown can’t give their secrets away.
  • Heart Less: Former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay died of a massive coronary, proving once and for all that you don’t need a heart to have a heart attack.
  • Drown for the Cameras: A TV news cameraman was fined for encouraging young teens to ride their bikes across a flooded Ohio bridge. Geraldo immediately called the intrepid cameraman and offered him a job (okay, I made that part up, but you have to admit the thought crossed your mind.)
  • On-the-Job Training: I was shocked to learn that Florida’s former prison chief will plead guilty to bribery charges. I mean, where on Earth could he have learned such bad behavior?
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